Unashamed: I have a disorder, but I’m not disordered.

Call me Mae. I call this man Pops.

Bipolar.

That’s what the Doc said.

I received the diagnosis this week–shortly after a big move to a new city, new job and new life bombarded me with stress, anxieties, restlessness, insecurities.*

I was once a singular, candle-like flame. But I exploded into a raging wildfire.

I’m not disordered.

I believe a man, Jesus Christ, loves me through His Father, The Lord, and dwells within me, The Spirit.

Those are personal beliefs, personal “problems” even. The best problems I’ve ever and never had.

When the world says “bipolar is a disorder,” The Man says,

“You are not disordered. You are not defined by a chemical imbalance in your brain. You are made up of mind, body and Spirit. Three in one, just like me.

I live in the most peaceful state of mind. Every morning, I choose to wake and see God’s Mercy in the sunrise. Each evening, I can rest easy basking in God’s Grace.

I’m a human, so I matter.

Dear goodness, my heart breaks for those who’ve journeyed before me in fear, or those who follow behind me in shame on similar paths.

A diagnosis is almost never good. It’s usually a physical illness or disease, or a psychological or cognitive disability. Slapped on your wrist as a patient, or tattooed to your foot like Toy Story’s Woody, which read “Andy.”

I’m not a toy. I’m not Andy’s. I’m human. I’m Christ’s.

And I’m not damaged. I’m not out of order.

I don’t care much for labels. People call me different names, like Daughter, Sister, Hipster, Asian, Christ Follower.

But first, please first, call me Mae. It’s my favorite.

Then call me: Caring, Compassionate, Christ-like.

A diagnosis does not, and will not ever change me, or my wiring: the ISTJ, lion and beaver-esque, strategic, intense, and purpose-focused “Mae Mae” who was born 21 years ago, adopted 20 years ago, left home 3.5 years ago, and returned home as “Mae” two days ago.

Call me Mae.

Call me human.

Call me Christian. Call me Writer, Dreamer, Creative, Thinker, Lawyer, Love, Mockingjay, Mae Flower, Mae Bae. Or just Mae.

Because I’m called by Christ. And I’m qualified by the Cross. And I’m me, and will always be me, a girl with a disorder. But not a woman who’s disordered.

* This post was originally written on 3/20/2016. It was saved as a draft and published at a more appropriate time.