“I am a stubborn and feisty lady.”
My darling cousin Kendall called herself a “strong ass woman of God,” on her blog, a Vanderslice of the Sweet Life.
I love that a single status encourages independence, sanctification, and satisfaction in my own life. However, many friends see singleness as a thorn in their flesh, not a rose in the garden.
Satan manipulates our strengths, and turns them into insecurities.
Satan tries to grab my strategic thinking, and manipulate it into “manly thinking.” If I feel like a boy, surely I will never be ready to date a boy.
He takes my love to travel and wander, and translates it into “fear of commitment.” If I cannot commit to a place, surely I will never settle on a person.
He latches onto my ability to process and vocalize my thoughts, and twists it into an “inability to submit.” If I can speak for myself, surely I will never want a man to speak for me.
But as I draw near to God, my desire for a husband grows.
I will never feel qualified to call myself a girlfriend, wife, or mother. I will perptually use my sinful humanity as an excuse to never enter a romantic relationship.
But The Lord qualified me to be a woman and a wife on the Cross.
Each day, He sculpts away at a bent heart and a broken mindset, and He points back to where His Love redefined history.
When I look at the Cross, and I remember the Love Jesus showed, and I consider grace and mercy and peace.
I see the grace, mercy, and peace my Baylor brothers extended me when I was mean, selfish, and unkind. I know the grace, mercy, and peace my college roommataes showed me when I was short, stubborn, and snarky.
So when I think of Jesus, I remember my husband.
I don’t know him as my husband now, but in the moment I say, “I do,” I will weep tears of eternal joy.
Because right now, it feels like I will never have that moment.
Satan grabs ahold of my past to lie to my face, to call me unworthy, unloved, and incapable of sacrificing.
He tortures me by replaying past failed almost-relationships, he agonizes me with deceit, saying I will never be good enough.
Thankfully, The Lord wins. His love wins.
His love says, “You are a wonderful friend, a kind sister, and a generous stranger. Every step you take now is one closer to the man I’ve created for you.
Do not disqualify yourself. Do not listen to the Devil. He is a liar, and he will lose.
On this side of Heaven, he can grab hold of your insecurities. He will play you, he will trick you.
But look to me for Truth. Look to me for Love. Look to me for the grace, mercy, and peace that you will never find on this earth.
I am yours. I am your first love. And I am here, I will prepare you for another kind of love that will surpass all that you haven’t yet found.
I love you, dear one. Be patient. Be kind. I’m working for your good.”