College Life · For the Ladies · Life Written. · Uncategorized

Lost at Sea: On Feeling Unprepared For Life

There are a couple of stages in life that I firmly believe are more awkward than others:

1. Middle school. I think it’s self explanatory, but you’re starting to change physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Girls, you don’t play with Barbies any more & boys don’t have cooties, but they’re still weird and annoying, but can be cute and say nice things? Like what?*

So yeah. Middle school is an awkward phase.**

2. College. Like middle school, there are new dynamics and everything is transitional. You aren’t a child, you are independent and living on your own {usually}. At the same time, you don’t pay your taxes/bills and your parents still help you out a lot. Are you a kid? An adult? A “kidult,” a little bit of both?

And to top it off, you must grow and be mature. You must be thinking about THE FUTURE and life after college {wut}. There is pressure — are you getting married? Why/why not? Are you moving farther from home? Will you have a job? What will that job be?

These are pretty cutthroat times, people.

I love college. I love the independence. I can run around until the wee hours of the morning, or I can lay in bed to watch Netflix at 8 p.m. on a Friday. It is a beautiful thing.

But I strongly dislike the insecurity and pressure I feel because I am in college.

I envy those who are old and smart and completely, legally independent. They are so put together.

I see my grandparents who have 75+ years of wisdom and maturity, or young moms I babysit for who aren’t more than 10 years older than me.

How did they get to be so wise? How did they find their husband, know it was him, get married, and have kids? How did they get to from Point A, my current state, to Point B, theirs?

How did they do it? And can I do what they did/what they are doing?

Because most of the time, I feel like I can’t.

I can’t get there. I feel lost at sea & in over my head.

I feel immature, powerless, helpless, lazy, insufficient, silly, dumb, ridiculous, unimportant, incapable, uncomfortable, awkward.

I fear I lack the ability and stamina it takes to grow up and to graduate college and to work in the real world and to get married and to raise kids, or whatever the future holds.

I’m afraid I will never get there. But God knows I will get there, wherever there is, one day. God knows I, to my disbelief, am prepared for whatever He has placed in my plans.

Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (NLT).

As I increasingly become more like Him, as I stretch myself and refine my faith during this transitional phase of life, He is preparing me to do things that He planned for me to do all along.

You see, while I may have faith in God, I forget to have faith in myself. I forget that God has faith in me.

I’m at Point A right now. I eat copious amounts of Ramen. And I wait to do laundry until all of my clothes are dirty. I am clumsy and awkward and I blurt out wrong things at the wrong times.

Point A involves living, learning, winning sometimes, but failing many times.

One day, I will wake up, and realize that I am at Point B. I will be doing whatever God calls me to do when I am “grown up.” I will hopefully learn how to cook sustaining food by then. And ideally, I will not procrastinate as much as I do now.

I will not have it all together, like I think I will. I will still fail. But that will be okay.

Whatever Point B is for me, whatever good things God planned for me long ago, I am excited and eager to live in the Point B phase of life.

But for now, I am at Point A. And I feel weak and lame sometimes. And I feel like I can’t.

But God knows I can. When I don’t have faith in myself, God has faith in me. And that is enough for me to get from Point A to Point B.

Unfortunately, this is candid. Perpetual state of awkward, I tell you.
Unfortunately, this is candid. Perpetual state of awkward, I tell you.


* For the record, boys are still weird and annoying at my age (19 yrs young). But they can still be cute and say nice things. It’s a strange dichotomy.

**To middle schoolers reading this: don’t be offended. I never grew out of my awkward phase.

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